Why did I laugh so hard at this š
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Donāt you hate it when youāre on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Her: [asking about movie Iām watching] Is he her husband?
Me: Iām not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Havenāt you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didnāt know there would be a test.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure youāre ok?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like Iām gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden wonāt notice that Iām sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
this independent good boy donāt need no human
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wifeās hand]
We couldnāt make a highway of our own, you see.
[comedy club]
Worm: And whatās the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The Terminator would have been better if theyād cast Jim Parsons. āBazingaā is so much better than āIāll be back.ā
20ās: I am invincible!
40ās: I am very vincible
Donāt think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I canāt help thinkingā¦Iāll never have abs like that.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize Iām not out of his league.
What genius named it a ānews feedā on Facebook and not ābullshitā?!
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when sheās mad at me I just say āLinda wouldnāt get mad about that.ā
Iām a social vegan, I donāt like meet.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politicsā¦
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidenceā¦
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
a person who understands othersā feelings but ignores them is an empathole
The pottery scene from ghost but itās me behind you adding more mayo while youāre making me a sandwich.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.