Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

what’s the point then??

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

The smoothest fall of all time

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?