Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Roombas should bark
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers