Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.