Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I triple waxed for this?

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”