Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

These aren’t even hard anymore.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away