Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.