Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Name another movie that mislead you?

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend