Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

584.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.