Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Sending in my taxes
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CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF