Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I don’t believe him.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer