Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”