Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
oh good, now I can stop drinking
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
airing out the snack pack
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.