Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
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