Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: