Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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