Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’