Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
You Might Also Like
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us