Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

I’m a self-made hundredaire

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.