Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
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[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough