Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!