Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life