Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.