Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.