Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

every. time.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.