Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Seems legit.