Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

kevin is now a local weatherman

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts