Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
This kid is a star!
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun