Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
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Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?