Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian