Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
One venti cheeseburger please.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
The happy life.. 😊
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.