Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium