Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Anyone want a chair?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.