Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
titanic
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day