Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.