Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.