Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!