Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?