Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.