Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
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People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
good work, detective
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.