Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
This makes total sense…
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.