Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th