Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Stop making fast and furious movies.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.