Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

i’m so old i’m almost back in style