Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

Your honor these allegations are

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.