Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”