Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
You Might Also Like
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”