Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)