Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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Britain be like
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday