Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guilty

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT