Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
you will never know the true number of layers
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.