Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…