Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors