Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.