Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

this is the news I live for