Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Beware of the “party goblin”…

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.