Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.