Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.