Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?