Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
You Might Also Like
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Writing, She Murdered.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Seems legit
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Thursday Thought.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.