Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
How it started How it’s going
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
