Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
dutch is not a serious language
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT