Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.