Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I was just discussing this with my cat
