Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
You Might Also Like
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My dad.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.