Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
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Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Imagine having a party on purpose.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.