Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
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Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname