Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Every haunted house movie:
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie