Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
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We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
how much for the angry fruit?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Please vote for people who are attractive
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too