Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I’m sorry…what?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.