Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
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If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening