Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail