Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
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My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.