Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My birth announcement for our third baby
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes