Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
You Might Also Like
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Tuesday
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs