Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
my proudest tweet
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.