Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

some cats are just doing for fun!

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]