Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
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Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Sir!!
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Natural selection at its finest
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.