Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
You Might Also Like
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Orange is oranging 🟠